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#313402 - 04/06/08 02:20 AM
Fallin' Back
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GrownPastMyYears
Registered: 01/12/08
Posts: 626
Loc: California, Montebello, USA
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Do you ever feel, like, life is just... not made for you? My life has been difficult, and i dont know how much more i can take.
i just feel like buckling down and crying, but its so hard for me. ive always been told that crying made you a lesser man, and now im sitting here eyes watery but the tears refuse to fall...
i miss all the people who have passed and i just cant figure out why it is they've left me. they helped me with so much, when my grandma died, they were there for me, waiting. with open arms, they were my pack of angels.
there all gone now, and i have no one to turn to, i want to cry so bad but i cant. i cut myself, and pour pure alcohol over my cuts to increase my pain because it makes me feel like the punishment that i've felt has been enacted.
we lose so many great people to this world, and we dont know where they've gone. i've done so many terrible things, and i have no idea where im going to go, but i pray to god that it's somewhere better than the place i've been these last 4 years of my life.
im tired of the drugs the drinking and the stress, i want my life to be happy, i wanna just feel good all the time, and i cant figure out how to complete my life.
it feels like i wont be happy till im dead, and i cant just kill myself because there are so many people relieing on me, my mom, my sister, .... im crying now, my nephew, who's mother does next to nothing for him, he's what i hold so dearly to my heart, i love him no matter what, and he's the strongest thing holding me back from death, and yet i still want it so bad.
there are so little things that im living for in this world, and those things can so easily be taken from me...
im going to therapy, ive been to anger management, to a phsychiatrist, i've been to church, but no matter what, its like i go through all that and i still feel and analysis that the only thing this earth has to offer me, is death...
_________________________
How can my love increase for her when my words lack immaculance?
How can a boy grow to be a man when he’s fatherless?
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#313407 - 04/06/08 04:37 AM
Re: Fallin' Back
[Re: GrownPastMyYears]
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Ineligible
Administrator
Registered: 08/09/01
Posts: 13492
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Thank you for posting this, Grown.
When I'm feeling bad, the thing that still feels worthwhile to me is helping others. People rely on you, which shows that you help them, and there are always people whose lives can be better because you are there for them.
Helping others is no recipe for certain happiness. Often the best people have the hardest life. But it's still right.
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#313424 - 04/06/08 04:28 PM
Re: Fallin' Back
[Re: GrownPastMyYears]
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RainNightBlue
member
Registered: 05/07/05
Posts: 485
Loc: NP, NE
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Well for one, crying won't make you a lesser man. However, if you do it and you aren't comfortable,t hen you won't feel any better. My recommendation, is if you need to cry, find an alone place, and something soft, like a pillow or blanket and just let it go. Feels massively good when things just get WAY too much for you. A couple months ago, I was having some mild depression after the diagnosis of my father's cancer, as well as some less than pleasing University Grades, an Ex GF ragging on me, and a new GF cheating on me. Couldn't take it. Saw a councilor, things are better now, but I will tell you, crying doesn't make you a lesser man. Just let it out when you're comfortable. I don't like people around, so I jut go to my room in my building and let her go.
As for people being gone, sometimes people's lives migrate away from us. I moved around a lot as a kid, and as a result, I've never had a real good, long lasting friendship past a few years. You just have to be happy for yourself. NO one can make you happy. When people make you laugh, you let it be funny. When people do nice things, you let it make you feel good. In the end, you're always the one responsible for how you feel. If no one is around to comfort you, and things seem bleak, you should tell yourself, "Hey, I won't let this get me down, because I"m still here, I'm still alive, and I will not let this affect me. I won't let something I can't control affect me. I will only let what I say make me sad. If I don't let it, then it won't"
Life sucks. I'll tell you that, and To be honest, I don't exactly like mine all that much either. But you keep trucking, finding something better. There are good times, and there are bad times. You jut have to live for the good times, and let the bad times roll around you. Keep it off you.
Killing yourself won't fix anything, because then you will be stuck. If things are bad, and you kill yourself, then you died and things are bad. End of story. You can't be happy if you can't do anything, feel anything, eat or sleep anything, love or help anything. Death isn't an escape. It's an ending.
By living, you tell those bad feelings "I won't let you win". By living, you control yourself. Don't let something else control you. Giving up Is being a lesser man. Fighting makes you stronger.
Those things that can be taken from you will only be taken from you if you let it. Remember there are lots of things you never think about. Your favorite food. That aftertaste when you kiss someone. The warmth of a really good jacket. That feeling when you get your paycheck (forget the feeling when you pay your taxes and bills..)
If you're dead, there is no happiness. In life, you can make happiness. You don't want to disappoint those who rely on you. You don't want to disappoint those you don't know who rely on you. You shouldn't want to disappoint yourself by giving up.
that's my two cents. Take it for what it's worth.
_________________________
A woman's faults are many,
but men have only two.
Everything we say,
and Everything we do.
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