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#314209 - 04/14/08 12:42 PM
Undoing infatuation. Fedelity.
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architype
Registered: 04/12/08
Posts: 4
Loc: Australia
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Hi there lovely people. This is my first ever post!!
Here goes my woes 
I am in a very happy stable relationship with beautiful children and a really beautiful man (who I absolutely addore!). Everyone tells me how lucky I am. I have so much of the goodstuff in this world. He makes me feel beautiful. He supports me creatively, emotionally, in parenthood... Far more enlightened than I..
Four years ago though I slowly fell infatuated with a workmate,and this developed into really quite a serious crush. I really love him as a friend, and this slipped over into that fuzzy (for me) area of friendly affection and sexual expression.
It intensified in the last few years and on our very last day working together told him my big fat secret... Which was one of the strangest things I've ever done...
It was like tearing myself open to expose my most private (and loved) fantasy world. While the real world came crashing in around ..forever altering my sacred space). Both realities now forced to find a foothold.
I don't think he delt with my admissions particularly well.. Even though he addmitted mutuality. In my obvious panic he never once tried to help ground me. Never reached out and offered his hand of friendship while I spilled my guts all over the floor.
I think I expected him to be more "manly" and kind of generous and protective. Instead he just repeated "It's O.K." over and over in a tone that served to conseal the nature of our conversation (There weren't many people about but we were in a very public area at work).
Despite my fumbled confessions though, there was this strange sort of agreement that this beetween us was O.K. Allowed to exist. And that neither of us were writing off any possibilities.
Infact. I kind of felt it was welcomed. Bit awkwardly though.
Whith this "permission" that I was granted by his admissions of mutuality and lack of protest against my interest. I continued to enjoy my fantasys about him.
Things have existed like this for around 5 monts now.
(A month ago)My last recent interaction with him left me wondering where this has lead us.
I think he was a bit bizzarred out by the whole thing. Such mixed messages from him.
I just wish we could speak as friends about how silly and impossible, (but flattering) this has been, and just get on with a longdistance friendship. I don't want to write off the past years of loving to be around him. And genuine appreciation and affection for an incredible wonderful human, all because of a thick crush.
As he is involved with someone. And I have a family life that supports and nurtures me. I just know the best thing for me to do is wrap up all those lovely feelings and fantasies .. and pop them on a burning pyer where it can all go soaring into some parrallel universe; Where our genuine affections are free to run their organic course unhindered by our current complex realities...
Unfortunately my giving him away might mean giving away the friendship too. I think this might be what he'd prefer. I just want some communication and closure on this life episode
I think it would be sad to not speak again over something that was only ever hypothetical.
I'de like to know if anyone has had similar experience here.. And of some of the potential consequences when things do become physical??... Is there ever a possibility of going back to being friends?
I wish I had kept it all to myself. Kept my dignity, and friendship with him!!
Happy travells to you all.
Architype
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#314210 - 04/14/08 01:08 PM
Re: Undoing infatuation. Fedelity.
[Re: architype]
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OldFolks
Tall and sexy member
Registered: 10/04/05
Posts: 2551
Loc: Just Beyond the Reach of Light
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It is possible with a lot of self-deprecating humor and commitment to move the relationship past the awkward stage it's at and thus make it about something new. It's not easy and to be quite honest most of the time may not be worth it.
If you still have romantic feelings for him after you all have decided not to pursue anything further and you find you can't move him back to the friend latter in your mind than it may be best to let the friendship go. If you can't move past the romance that exists in fantasy then what is the likelihood that you'll be able to do so in reality. If that's the case, things will always be awkward and uncomfortable between you two and any chance at a healthy friendship will more than likely suffer and always leave your marriage open to risk.
_________________________
Some things gnaw at a man worse than dyin'...
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#314240 - 04/14/08 09:07 PM
Re: Undoing infatuation. Fedelity.
[Re: architype]
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Ineligible
Administrator
Registered: 08/09/01
Posts: 13146
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Welcome to A2A, architype. I can't add anything to OldFolks' answer - he's a wise man.
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#314276 - 04/15/08 09:48 AM
Re: Undoing infatuation. Fedelity.
[Re: OldFolks]
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architype
Registered: 04/12/08
Posts: 4
Loc: Australia
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Wise OldFolks! Think that letting it go of him all together is really the only dharmic solution here. I will try to exercise some non-attachment to restoring a friendship... And just see what washes up.
Do you think I should even attempt to try and address some of this with him.. Or do you think that might further confuse things? I tend to want to thrash emotional things out intellectually... And well sometimes it just creates more mess.
Thankyou for sparking my own inquest into "consequence" (and it's many fractions). You helped me today! Thankyou
Architype.
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#314277 - 04/15/08 10:03 AM
Re: Undoing infatuation. Fedelity.
[Re: architype]
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OldFolks
Tall and sexy member
Registered: 10/04/05
Posts: 2551
Loc: Just Beyond the Reach of Light
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It would be my advice that you don't try to talk it out with him. As a person, and as a man in particular, I think that would just make things more awkward between you and may very likely end the friendship. Men, in general, don't like to talk things out like this.
It's a fine line to walk but you don't want to avoid the subject and you don't want to address it either. That's why I say make use of plenty of self deprecating humor. By doing so you acknowledge the reality of what was said or shared but show that you've moved on and you no longer have any intentions on pursuit of anything more than a friendship. The end result should be that the awkwardness is alleviated at least to a degree allowing the two of you to talk about new subjects with ease.
_________________________
Some things gnaw at a man worse than dyin'...
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