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#355106 - 06/26/10 06:52 PM
At wit's end
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M and M
Registered: 12/18/07
Posts: 55
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Hey guys... You may have seen a few of my posts in the past about depression and life and stuff...
Well, a little background. Ever since 7th grade I've pretty much hated life. I hate myself, I sometimes hate everyone else too. I hate school, I can't stand it. I get bored of everything within in minutes. I have no desire to do anything. I feel unlovable. I don't let myself love. I don't deserve adoration. I tell people to stop. Nothing is fun anymore. I feel like I'm always putting on a mask for the world. I'm 17 now.
About a year ago, I went to a psychologist. We 'talked.' A lot. I got mad. A lot. I said this isn't doing anything for me. He tried to hypnotize me, he tried to have my family help. It all failed. Ad nauseum. During this time I was put on Zoloft (no effect), Prozac (worsened my fatigue to a ridiculous level), and now Wellbutrin from my psychiatrist.
Then about 6 months ago I went to a psychiatrist. He told me my problem was easy and could fix it in a few sessions. Here I am, 6 months later, 1 sometimes 3 sessions a week, and I feel worse than I did when I started. I can't ever sleep. I'm always tired. I have headaches all the time. I hate my life, I hate myself. I cannot stand myself.
I went back to him one last time last week. We talked more. By the way, talking to people doesn't do anything for me. No one has ever offered me advice or a viewpoint that I couldn't think of myself. When I talk, I do it to myself, in my head, where it's safe. Where no one can hear it, steal it, spread it. I can't trust anyone. I never have. With anything. My friends think I don't trust them when I won't tell them things about my personal life or my feelings. I keep that inside. Because when it gets out it only gets worse. From experience.
I told him I'm sick of this. My parents are wasting so much money on you and I asked him what the heck he gets payed for. Talking? I can get that from ANYONE I KNOW. I don't need to pay for a friend. Especially since I'm going to tell him less than I would someone else anyway. I said when is something going to happen? When are you going to show me why you went to school for 10+ years? No response. Nothing. Over and over again I ask and get no response.
It's not that I don't want things to work. I do. I just don't believe they ever will so I stop getting my hopes up because all it does is bring me crashing right now again. I'm sick of all of this. Is there anything out there that will help? Because I honest-to-goodness do not believe my life will ever get better. I'm out of options. I'm not too keen on starting over with a new therapist, especially since "therapy" is the biggest joke I've ever heard of.
I'm begging for help. To my doctors, my friends, my family... no one's biting. What am I supposed to do now?
...I can relate to so much in this thread it sickens me:
http://www.afraidtoask.com/forums/ubbthreads.php/ubb/showflat/Number/342429/page/1#Post342429
Edited by M and M (06/26/10 06:59 PM)
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#355110 - 06/26/10 08:27 PM
Re: At wit's end
[Re: M and M]
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Ineligible
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Registered: 08/09/01
Posts: 15528
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You have a lot of anger - has that been specifically looked at? Your previous posts have also shown a lot of stress and anxiety - has that been addressed?
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#355113 - 06/27/10 12:17 AM
Re: At wit's end
[Re: M and M]
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Roc
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Registered: 08/20/02
Posts: 3226
Loc: Dallas,TX USA , Planet Earth
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Have you been checked for being Bi-Polar? you have a lot of the symptoms
_________________________
-Roc-
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#355114 - 06/27/10 01:36 AM
Re: At wit's end
[Re: Roc]
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Laxlover22
Registered: 06/18/10
Posts: 44
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I'm bipolar and alot of people here will be like yes she does. I think you might have it. It's not fun to deal with but I have ADHD also. It's easy to deal with.
_________________________
IM A FOX NOW
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#355115 - 06/27/10 09:44 AM
Re: At wit's end
[Re: Laxlover22]
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Roc
Moderator
Registered: 08/20/02
Posts: 3226
Loc: Dallas,TX USA , Planet Earth
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My partner is Bi-Polar. I've been dealing with his disorder for a LONG time. What kind of meds are you taking for it Katie? Believe it or not, some of the meds they put you on make you feel worst than if you're not taking them at all. Finding the right combo is the key. You need to find a right cocktail combination for you.
_________________________
-Roc-
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#355118 - 06/27/10 01:47 PM
Re: At wit's end
[Re: M and M]
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Odelia
longstanding member
Registered: 07/16/02
Posts: 1206
Loc: MA
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I've definitely been there... sometimes, still there... In high school, I was extremely depressed.. angry.. In college, after a friend caught me cutting, she told me she was going to make sure I got help, whether I wanted it or not. I went to therapy for a while (several months), but I felt like it did nothing for me. I was diagnosed as type-2 bipolar (lows and normals, no highs), and put on a combo of Prozac and Wellbutrin. The meds definitely helped for a while - they didn't make me "happy" but at the very least, made me feel a little more "normal." I eventually took myself off of them (not recommended) because I thought I could handle life without help... and went through a rough patch immediately after... I've been off meds for about 6-7 years... and for the most part, I feel that I can control my moods enough without medication, but there are times when I question that decision.
Now, at 26, my life is extremely different than it was in high school and college... but the core part of me that was there back then is still there... my job is stressful and causes me anxiety... I'm in a 2.5-year relationship, and I've been living with my boyfriend for a little over a year now... dealing with the issues that go along with that... trying to figure out if my lack of happiness is because we're not right for each other or because I'm not getting help for my own unresolved issues (either answer may come up with the same result, but we'll see)...
Having said all that... clearly there's anger built up inside you. Clearly there's a voice that's not being heard. Therapy isn't for everyone. My best friend swears by it, and is, in fact, working on her Masters to become a college therapist. To be honest, I think everyone on this planet could benefit from therapy in some way... But that doesn't mean it's the best fit for everyone... or perhaps just the therapist you're seeing is not the best fit. You commented that talking to a therapist seems pointless because you can talk to anyone you know... but you've also commented that your friends/family aren't listening. Do you have a close friend you can open up to? If you're not truly talking to your therapist (as you said, you'd tell him less than someone else anyway), then do you have another outlet? I actually have found that various friends are helpful for various issues I have. One friend, I go to with my body image issues and my issues with food.. but she's not really my go-to girl for relationship advise or talking about my boyfriend. I have another friend that relates better for that. My boyfriend is a good outlet when I'm having trouble with my family... I've found that if I'm not going to rely on a licensed professional, that I can't expect one person to be everything for me.
Now, having said THAT, I've been debating lately about going back to therapy... I tried it 7 years ago and dismissed it relatively quickly... but I'm realizing that I'm at a point in my life where I have to figure out why I haven't been able to be happy... whether it's that I'm not allowing myself to be or some unresolved issue or whatever... I don't expect to find a magic cure as clearly that's not the point... but I feel as though I need a little help looking inside myself and figuring out what the true issue is... I haven't read your previous posts (this is my first time back to this forum in several years actually), so I don't think if this has already been addressed... but one thing I'm working on is WHY I feel the things I feel... Why I have issues trusting... why I have such issues with myself and my self-worth... why I can't let go of the past... why I feel worthless at times and why I let those around me dictate how I feel...
I apologize if this long post has not been helpful... but please know that I completely understand where you're coming from, and I've been there, more than I care to admit. ...I hope that you will eventually find an outlet... find someone who "gets it" and can help you with some self-discovery... just don't give up on finding that.
_________________________
~*~Odelia~*~
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#355126 - 06/27/10 11:31 PM
Re: At wit's end
[Re: Ineligible]
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M and M
Registered: 12/18/07
Posts: 55
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@Ineligible: No, my anger has never been looked at. I've been this way for a really long time. When I was younger I used to just scream and rip at my hair and write down that I wanted to die and stuff, but it was never suicidal - I don't really remember it much. It was a while ago... But no, stress nor anxiety have ever been conquered or addressed or anything. They rule my life... How am I supposed to look at them anyway? Who am I to go to? Everyone has failed me so far, and I've given out too many tries.
@Roc: I have not. In the past when I had taken online depression tests and stuff before I really knew what was going on, and even in the recent past, it's never come up. Granted, it's an online test. All I know about bipolar is the swing in moods, which doesn't really happen to me. I mean, I go up and down, but it's never high. Hasn't been high for as long as I can remember - even if I act it there's always something nagging on me that holds me down. I would have hoped one of the dozens of doctors I've seen would have said something...
In addition, your second post regarding medications and finding the right mix... I'm not into medications. At all. I hate taking supplements, I hate taking vitamins, I hate taking antibiotics, I hate taking painkillers, I hate taking brain-chemical altering depression drugs. I don't think that we should have to use them. We synthetically created them - that's not something I wanna be putting into my body for years. Especially since it's all a theory, and placebo test results crush their validity.
@Odelia: I can relate to the drugs. They "seem" to help, but I think I was just faking myself into it. I don't let myself fall for that stuff anymore. I expect them not to work; I'd like to be shocked. You're lucky you have someone who cares about you. There's been anger built up in me since I was a child. If you could figuratively view the anger in head, it would probably be moldy. Yeah, I do feel it's pointless because I [i]could[i] talk to anyone I know. I don't tell him anything important. I've talked to other people. I've tried. Worst mistake I ever made. I do not have any outlet, I never have, and I don't want one because all I would be doing is burdening them, and no matter what they say I'll never believe that I'm not. Because I am. Of course I talk to people about things, but nothing sensitive is ever said. I've learned from the past on that one.
I know what you mean about not allowing yourself. I don't either. I don't deserve it. I get upset at myself when I do things right or do something and get commended for it. I don't expect a magic cure either, but after three, four years? I would have expected to see some improvement, but alas. I feel the things I feel because I do. I don't choose to. Do you choose to feel sadness when someone dies? When animals are hurt? Do you choose to be jealous when your "competitor" gets something you didn't? I don't.
Trusting, you say? My definition for that word is so precise and explicit that no one fits it. I hardly fit it. I did talk to a friend about that once... She asked if I trusted her. I said, define trust. She said you first - so I did. Something along the lines of someone who is there no matter what, at nearly whatever time. Someone you can tell anything about anything and not have a single ounce of fear of being judged. Not a single grain of suspicion that they'll tell someone. It was something like that... She said do I fit that criteria? I told her no. No one does. No one ever will. She was hurt because I fit her definition. Oh, yeah, we've also been best friends for 4 or 5 years now.
I also cannot let go of the past, and I hate myself for ever feeling good about myself. I don't let them dictate how I feel - they do. It's not as easy as saying, "you know, even though my house just burned down and I lost everything I had in the world... my family, my savings... everything... I'm just ecstatic because I get to go eat ice cream." Or something stupid. You know?
Oh... and nobody will ever get it. I've given too many people a chance that I refuse to continue to. I'm too hopeful. So I stopped hoping.
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#355141 - 06/28/10 09:44 PM
Re: At wit's end
[Re: M and M]
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Odelia
longstanding member
Registered: 07/16/02
Posts: 1206
Loc: MA
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Believe it or not, I get it. It may not seem that way, especially coming from someone over the internet who doesn't know you... but I get it, at least on a general level. Clearly, I don't know you or all the details of what you're going through... but I've definitely been there. I started suffering from depression probably at about 12 or 13 years old. ...about 14 or 15 years later, I've finally found some level of peace that at least allows me to function on a daily basis. It's only within the past year or two that I've really gotten to that place... and even now, I can't deny that I still need help. I still question why I can't truly find genuine happiness, even though, on paper, my life is pretty damn good... I spent a solid 10-12 years completely lost and alone. I coped with a lot of destructive methods (cutting, drinking myself sick)... I've closed myself off... I've written in diaries and journals ad nauseum in the hope that being reflective would open a window to enlightenment... I've considered myself worthless and useless and dismissed any accomplishments in life. I went away to college to get away from anyone who claimed to care about me... only to sink into a much deeper depression...
I don't have a magical answer. As I've said, I'm still working on it myself at 26 years old... I've only recently found ways to truly cope and function... It's a day-to-day battle... So I have no true answer... but for what it's worth, I have at least some understanding of what you're going through...
_________________________
~*~Odelia~*~
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#355152 - 06/29/10 03:57 PM
Re: At wit's end
[Re: Odelia]
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M and M
Registered: 12/18/07
Posts: 55
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I can't afford to waste another decade of my life...
Things just keep getting worse. I've even started saying no to hanging out with my best friends because they deserve better and I don't want to waste their life.
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#355157 - 06/29/10 10:17 PM
Re: At wit's end
[Re: M and M]
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Ineligible
Administrator
Registered: 08/09/01
Posts: 15528
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Don't do that. If they want to hang out with you, they don't think you are wasting their life. Let them make that decision, not you!
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#355161 - 06/30/10 01:11 AM
Re: At wit's end
[Re: Ineligible]
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M and M
Registered: 12/18/07
Posts: 55
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I have to, I force myself to. I honestly do not believe that a single person cares about me. A lot of people claim to, but I don't believe it. They're only doing it because they're afraid of what will happen if they don't. Also, I can't let myself. I don't deserve friends or affection or anything. Whenever I tempt myself or involve myself in it I resent myself for it even more. I hate myself so much.
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#355162 - 06/30/10 04:11 AM
Re: At wit's end
[Re: M and M]
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Ineligible
Administrator
Registered: 08/09/01
Posts: 15528
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That is very typical of what depression tells you, but it's a lie. The nasty thing about depression is that it misrepresents the real world, making things look much darker and worse than they really are. The people who claim to care about you are telling the truth; it's your depression that is lying to you. And you do deserve friends and affection.
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#355173 - 07/01/10 02:07 AM
Re: At wit's end
[Re: Ineligible]
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M and M
Registered: 12/18/07
Posts: 55
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I can't believe any of that. I just can't. I know I should be able to, but it's like pretending to believe something, you always know deep down...
But my main question is what am I supposed to do? I can't find help anywhere...
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#355175 - 07/01/10 04:22 AM
Re: At wit's end
[Re: M and M]
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Ineligible
Administrator
Registered: 08/09/01
Posts: 15528
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Try to get as much sunlight and exercise as you can. Try to do something each day, even if it is only something very little. Talk to your therapist (if you are seeing someone now) about your stress and anxiety and anger - they need to be told they are there.
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#355182 - 07/02/10 04:05 AM
Re: At wit's end
[Re: Ineligible]
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M and M
Registered: 12/18/07
Posts: 55
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I have nothing wrong with getting sunlight but I hate exercise. It makes me feel gross and never makes me feel better. I just feel like I wasted time. I have been seeing someone, but as I said, he never helps nor seems to take things seriously. Neither did my psychologist. Or anyone else I know. Whenever I tell him how mad I am or how much I hate myself or why I think something is stupid he always just sits there and laughs and says "well why do you think that?". And then I feel stupid for saying anything. To me therapy just seems like me informing him of y life. I don't need to spend money to do that. Why did they go to school for over a decade? Your guess is as good as mine. I need a real solution. Not "tell someone about your problems and magically talk your way to happiness," or "get exercise or eat better..." I need a legitimate something to hook on to. As time goes on I am losing friends, people... and running fewer and fewer. I can count the number of friends I hang out with moe than once a week on one hand. Two. Both of which don't understand. And I'd never tell them too much anyway because it never gets anywhere.
Yay life.
Oh.
Wait.
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#355183 - 07/02/10 04:35 AM
Re: At wit's end
[Re: M and M]
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Ineligible
Administrator
Registered: 08/09/01
Posts: 15528
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I agree with you that if you are not getting anything out of talking therapy, after giving it a good go, you should see someone else. I think when the problem is severe, as yours undoubtedly is, it needs more aggressive therapy, with medication (there are lots more options here than have been tried) and/or electrical stimulation (a new, rather experimental approach).
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#355193 - 07/04/10 02:06 AM
Re: At wit's end
[Re: Ineligible]
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M and M
Registered: 12/18/07
Posts: 55
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And I acknowledge these things. But how? I cant seem to get my parents to understand that I am not randomly going around and requesting doctors appointments and blood tests and whatever I can do. I try to tell my current guy that its not helping and that hes not worth the money - writing it down literally provides the same effect. Its not the money though. He just jokes about it. I refuse to laugh. I leave upset and flustered every time vowing never to come back and I only do because he's the only one that Im going to be able to get information out of about where to go next. Its yet to come... Find another person? How? Randomly? The last two people Ive seen were both recommended as amazing people. Imo, they both sucked. But they got me out of school. A lot. I tried to get treatment from the Mayo clinic (i live near there) hoping they would take me seriously and do something... But my parents thought I was crazy asking to go there and essentially silently refused to let me. Im trying to no avail and I dont know how much longer itll be before I just give up.
Physically how do I actually take the next step? Nothing works. Everyone shrugs me off as if Im the boy who cried doctor...
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#355251 - 07/09/10 02:48 AM
Re: At wit's end
[Re: M and M]
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InSearch
longstanding member
Registered: 05/10/04
Posts: 1833
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You have a lot of me inside you. I understand more than you'll ever know.
Send me a PM sometime if you want, we can talk.
_________________________
Still searching ...
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#355406 - 07/20/10 01:31 AM
Re: At wit's end
[Re: InSearch]
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M and M
Registered: 12/18/07
Posts: 55
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Why is life impossible? Why doesn't anyone listen to me anymore? Why doesn't anyone care? Why do I even try? Why can't I stop crying?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
WHY IS EVERYONE TELLING ME I'M OKAY
i cant handle this
Edited by M and M (07/20/10 01:34 AM)
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#355419 - 07/20/10 12:32 PM
Re: At wit's end
[Re: M and M]
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M and M
Registered: 12/18/07
Posts: 55
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@thrssrsbsns:
i've tried three or something AD's and they have made me worse. i doubt them all from that, whether i should or not. ive tried melatonin, it had no effect. i have a high tolerance to medications. i only go to a psych because people tell me to. im not going to talk about things that are deep down. ever. with anyone. not even myself. im going to my last appt today and demanding another route of treatment. im sick of life.
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#355442 - 07/21/10 04:43 AM
Re: At wit's end
[Re: M and M]
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thtssrsbsns
Registered: 06/03/10
Posts: 7
Loc: Canada
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how long were u on the antidepressants? they need time to kick in. also melatonin is very safe and studies show that its safe to take 1000mg+ so the idea is u take as many as u need. some ppl need 1, some ppl need 5. and im just taking a stab in the dark but it appears u dont feel that u deserve happiness and that is probably inhibiting ur ability to talk to ppl. and some antidepressants help some ppl and others dont help or make things worse. anything i could say now would probably be repeating myself but all i can say is to keep an open mind. it sounds like ur depression is seriously inhibiting ur life, dont let it. if ur friends want to spend time with u then im sure they dont think u r a waste of time. and u said ppl said they care but u think they r just worried about what might happen if they dont say it. thats care, its hard to understand ppl, especially since we r all different. u havent truly given up if u try to get help, it just sounds like ur experiences r pretty negative about what happens when u talk to a therapist or a psychiatrist. just hang in there and never give up and, eventually things will look up
Edited by thtssrsbsns (07/21/10 04:54 AM)
Edit Reason: i had quite a few things to add
_________________________
*Insert Philosophical Quote Here*
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#355462 - 07/22/10 04:15 PM
Re: At wit's end
[Re: thtssrsbsns]
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M and M
Registered: 12/18/07
Posts: 55
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I've been on Wellbutrin 300mg/day since February. I am getting worse. And my psychiatrist is not helping. I yelled at him because he isn't getting anything done and he shrugged me off like an idiot kid. I'm not afraid of melatonin, I just have a terrible memory (walk in a room and forget, stop mid-conversation and can't remember - I'm 17) so I never remember to take it early enough.
You're right. I do feel I don't deserve it. But that's not why I don't talk. I don't talk because it's none of their business. There are things that my best friends don't know about me. Why? Why not? What do they gain? I don't need to tell my fricking life story to some stupid doctor who isn't going to help anyway. It's who I am. I don't just hand it out. Like I said, my best friends don't even know a lot about me.
It's not as easy and just telling myself to stop letting it screw my life over. It just does. I can't go anywhere anymore because I hate other people. I hate talking to them, I hate pretending I'm happy, and I hate smiling and having a conversation. I don't care about their stupid lives. I only care about mine.
Even if they do. If they really really do (which I know they don't because I'm an idiot who wastes peoples time and make everything lame) then I don't want to. I'm past the point of having fun with friends. I pretend. Or something. I don't know. It's complicated and I can't even describe it.
They won't look up. Wanna know why? Because myself, my friends, my parents, and every doctor that I have seen has failed to do anything positive for me in terms of how I feel about myself or how screwed up my body is. My parents could have avoided this whole thing when it started in middle school when I was too naive to know what was happening, but they turned away, I'm guessing putting themselves into denial. My mom knew. I know she did. She claims to have been through the same things. But they didn't do anything. And now I'm screwed.
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#355466 - 07/22/10 07:51 PM
Re: At wit's end
[Re: M and M]
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Ineligible
Administrator
Registered: 08/09/01
Posts: 15528
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She claims to have been through the same things.
That suggests a possible hereditary source of your depression and/or anxiety.
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#355474 - 07/23/10 10:24 AM
Re: At wit's end
[Re: Ineligible]
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M and M
Registered: 12/18/07
Posts: 55
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Yes I suppose it does. But what good does that do me?
I've tried the same meds and they didn't work.
Edited by M and M (07/23/10 10:24 AM)
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#355556 - 07/27/10 10:02 PM
Re: At wit's end
[Re: Ineligible]
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M and M
Registered: 12/18/07
Posts: 55
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InSearch never responded to me...
If I didn't mention, after my appointment with my psychiatrist, I got a terrible reaction from him. He acted like I was a stupid teenager who didn't know anything - he's an old guy. I hate old people who assume teenagers are stupid young people. I begged him for help... I got nothing. He told me I should come back. He's a money-sucking ho who obviously can't help.
I need something to do. I need a route to take. I made an appointment with a different psychologist that I arbitrarily picked from an online listing, which, by the way, was a stupid clinic with a ton of stupid psychologists all enrolled. As if they would care.
And guess what? I completely forgot about it. Until yesterday night. Upon which time I started crying because I have to wait again for an appointment, if ever I remember to call. I think about the past and my insides squirm...
I'm getting just as much a negative reaction here. I don't need sympathy, I don't need relation - not online. I need something to do. Ideas. Suggestions.
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#355573 - 07/28/10 06:49 PM
Re: At wit's end
[Re: M and M]
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Ineligible
Administrator
Registered: 08/09/01
Posts: 15528
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My belief is that you need more aggressive treatment, but you may have to wait until you can get more control over your life. Don't forget that simply enduring the apparently unendurable is a worthwhile achievement, which can lead to more achievements in the future.
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#355595 - 08/01/10 01:57 PM
Re: At wit's end
[Re: Ineligible]
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M and M
Registered: 12/18/07
Posts: 55
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What is more aggressive treatment? Because my 500 year old psychiatrist refused to give me any information on other options. He's too old and he still gets paid an ungodly amount of money. I told him he's a waste.
How can I get more control over my life? SERIOUSLY? I AM LOSING CONTROL OVER MY LIFE AS TIME GOES ON AND NOTHING HAPPENS. I DONT KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN AND I DONT EVEN CARE ANYMORE BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE REFUSES TO MAKE ANY BENEFICIAL ACTION TOWARDS ME.
My parents think that scheduling a few doctors appointments in the past was enough and their effort is over. I tell them that I still schedule tons of appointments now that I forget about because I am too stupid and I JUST HATE MYSELF. I HATE EVERYTHING. I CANT LIVE ANYMORE.
What do I have to say to someone to MAKE them care? Or make them do something? Do I need to make aggressive threats? Because I will. I DO NOT CARE ANYMORE.
ONE CAN ONLY ENDURE THE UNENDURABLE FOR SO LONG
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#355610 - 08/04/10 03:37 AM
Re: At wit's end
[Re: M and M]
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Ineligible
Administrator
Registered: 08/09/01
Posts: 15528
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By 'more aggressive treatment', I mean trying different medications and doses and other treatments until something is found that works - that is, not accepting failure as good enough.
Unfortunately at this stage it is difficult if parents are not supportive, but the time will come when you can, and should, act independently.
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#355686 - 08/07/10 07:35 PM
Re: At wit's end
[Re: Ineligible]
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M and M
Registered: 12/18/07
Posts: 55
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Coming soon... I turn 18 in a few months... Thankfully.
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#356068 - 08/29/10 02:22 AM
Re: At wit's end
[Re: Ineligible]
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M and M
Registered: 12/18/07
Posts: 55
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I'm sorry. I literally need to be given a step by step list of what to do because I still don't get it. I have since seen two more psychologists that again, I arbitrarily picked off a website. One of them was really weird... the other one is fine. It's the same sort of deal as the other people I have seen... They're fine and dandy but they aren't doing a bit of anything for me. I don't have to patience to run around and talk to ten different people, giving them all a months worth of appointments just so they can understand me before moving on.
I go to college in a year. I can't live like this. I keep getting told that if I don't believe I can get better or that I can fix this myself then I wont. They agree with me when I ask if I'm screwed. No it's not one whacked doctor. It's about three or four of them that have told me this. I don't believe anyone can help. How can anyone expect that of me? After all these years and people still expect me to have so much energy and enthusiasm to work towards things? That's unrealistic.
Why is it so impossible to see ANY progress at all? I keep getting worse and worse and worse and I don't even care about myself anymore. I just want it to be over... All I want to do is beat myself up. Literally. Hit myself. I deserve it, don't I? I'm so screwed up. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. Why doesn't anyone notice this in my life? I tell people and they don't seem to believe me?
Does everyone think I'm just fine? I'll "get over it"? What am I supposed to do? Seriously? I refuse to believe that there's no one else out there that also feels completely alienated and unable to find help. What are WE supposed to do? What am I supposed to do when I don't believe in anything or anyone anymore? WHY CAN'T ANYONE ANSWER THAT QUESTION FOR ME? I ask direct questions to my parents, friends, doctors, teachers, professionals BLAH BLAH BLAH and they ALL beat around the bush and straight up REFUSE to give me an answer. What did I do to deserve this suck fest of a life?
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#356090 - 08/31/10 04:47 AM
Re: At wit's end
[Re: M and M]
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Ineligible
Administrator
Registered: 08/09/01
Posts: 15528
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I wish I could be more real help. The problem is that to be really helpful would need knowing you in real life as well as on the Net, I think. I think the situation is complex. You need to get away from your unsupportive parents into less corrosive, more supportive environment, and you may find college (if you live on-campus there) to be helpful. I myself started healing once I was able to move out of home.
That doesn't mean that I suggest you live on the streets. Being close to starvation all the time adds far too much stress, and you don't want stress at this time. Try to follow for now the route of least stress as much as you can while still staying true to yourself.
I suspect that dealing with issues and demons will be a life-long process (as it is for many of us - perhaps most of us?). That doesn't mean your life will be miserable - it will be a mixture of joy and unhappiness, as for everyone.
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#356367 - 10/16/10 02:32 PM
Re: At wit's end
[Re: Ineligible]
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M and M
Registered: 12/18/07
Posts: 55
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I wish anyone could be of any help really... I have doctor's, therapists, everyone tells me they don't know. But they can always refer me to someone else... who also doesn't know. Yeah, speaking of parents, I just realized I think I missed an appointment I made at the Mayo (where else is better?) because they never checked the date or wrote it down. But now I'm 18. I'm doing it all by myself.
Also, a small update. I quit my antidepressants by myself. They sucked the emotion out of me. I feel fine. Actually better, because now I can get angry and express it. And cry. Also, my best friends are being douches and ditched me for each other. Also, another therapist has failed me and talks only about drama in my life.
Also, I was diagnosed with narcolepsy and now take Nuvigil everyday. This is my fourth day? It sort of helps.
Sigh. I still feel like crap. Nothing's fun. I want to quit.
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