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#95147 - 06/06/05 01:28 AM
Again, dunno... bla
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InSearch
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I really can't think of any topic names so bla it is again... at least you guys will be able to recognize the posts that are just about complaining from the other ones by the "bla" in the title...
Keep in mind I'm just writing... just writing hoping the pain will ease.. even though I know it won't but whatever... who gives a shit
"God"... what a topic. I was talking to someone earlier .... we were talking about God and shit like that... then all my feelings about God came back... the anger... the extreme hate ....
I don't want to go into detail... but I wasted many years of my life believing in God and actually thinking he could help me... how foolish of me to think that.... I hate God so much... I know, I don't believe in God and I believe he doesn't exist, but still.... I still hate him more than anything else in the world combined .... when I hate somebody I can usually "feel the hate" in the chest area (whatever causes this, I dunno, it's just what I feel) .... but when just thinking about God I get that same feeling all the way to the toes in my legs... that's how much I hate God ....
That same person I was talking to also mentioned that he had been praying for me.... that just literally tore me apart... I don't want to have to do anything with God... at all.. ever... it kills me to think that anyone could even think of putting my name and gods name in the same sentence... I aske d him to not pray for me... I really hope he will hold to his promise... the pain is unbearable...
Then this same person went offline... I sat there for a minute.... then this new wave of hate came over me... it actually physically hurt my body... that must have been the strongest hate I've ever experienced .... I felt all alone in the world... I tried thinking of my girlfriend but that thought was literally drowned out within seconds.... I felt like I _had_ to talk to somebody.... I was desperate .... nobody was on .... I thought this was going to be the end .... then I saw someone _might_ be on... I had that person blocked..... I was as desperate as ever to talk to someone that I even unblocked this person to see if she was on.... "lucky" for me she was on ....
I started talking to her and talked about the same stuff I talked about with the other person I was talking too in hope talking about it would lessen the pain I was feeling at the time....
Then she mentioned that she'd been praying for me too.... I felt another "wave of hate" come over me ... stronger than before... it physically hurt this time too.. but this time it stayed... the pain and hate stayed.... how long did it stay, I have no idea.... it seemed like two eternities and more .... finally the pain started to lessen again... not by much but by enough to deal with.....
At this point I actually started crying..... yes, crying with tears and all that.... now I don't cry, period. I never cry/cried for anything at all, no matter what situation... I don't even remember the last time I cried... but tonight I did cry... it was just too much .... too much to deal with all at once....
I asked this person also to stop praying for me... but she said she couldn't .... that just killed me even more and tears were now rolling down my face, I couldn't even see anymore.... the pain was too much... I was begging her not to pray for me... this is the same person I had blocked for I don't know how long.... and still she said she would pray for me and that god loved me... god I don't think she knew what this was doing to me... maybe she'll understand better if she reads this ....
It took quite a while for her to agree to not pray for me.... I don't really trust her so I'm not sure to believe her or not ..... the best way I can try to make anyone understand how much this even meant to me is this....
My girlfriend means everything to me... she is my life ... I wouldn't be able to live without her.... I'm not joking either I'm serious....
But I would rather have her die than someone pray for me or anything like that.... that's the only way I could make anyone understand waht this whole thing means to me and how it's killing me.... it's just too much ....
But then she had to sign off too.... now I'm alone again .... all alone in this world again ... nobody's on .... fuck I would even talk to Steve I'm so desperate right now ....
Wow this is pretty long... I understand if nobody is going to read this ... shit I probably wouldn't .... why did I write this... I don't know ....
I still feel just as bad if not worse then when I started writing this .....
I don't know what I'm trying to say here.... just talking like I said.....
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#95148 - 06/06/05 10:50 AM
Re: Again, dunno... bla
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StephieJ
aka pinkranger4
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maybe you need to look at all sides of the situation.. why do you hate god? What did god do to make you hate him?
Perhaps you need to overcome this anger..when my best friend died october 2003.. i didnt know what to do.. and i blamed god.. but that got me nowhere... you should overcome the anger and maybe even find something to believe in
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#95149 - 06/06/05 03:10 PM
Re: Again, dunno... bla
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InSearch
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As to your questions ... I really don't wish to explain all of it .... it's painful to talk about it ...
@Pete: You know why I hate god ... could you please post a short little something to answer that question for me ? That'd be great ...
@pink: As to your best friend dying .... I know how that is ...
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#95150 - 06/06/05 04:20 PM
Re: Again, dunno... bla
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StephieJ
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Its hard.. you feel like you have nothing to live for.. i talked to her 4 hours before she died.. It doesnt stop hurting. I lost alot of people in my time.. too many.. I think i just understand better than most teenagers the grieving process because ive studied it and had to give a lecture on it...
Time will tell though..
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#95151 - 06/06/05 04:32 PM
Re: Again, dunno... bla
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InSearch
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Trust me I know how you feel ... I actually saw my best friend, and only friend, die ... I was there for the whole thing ... and the pictures of it still haunt me in my nightmares .... it's all just shitty ...
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#95152 - 06/06/05 04:33 PM
Re: Again, dunno... bla
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Steve_A
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> maybe you need to look at all sides of the situation.. why do you hate god? What did god do to make you hate him?
He said he doesn't believe in God, so all the talk about hating God makes no sense. At least no more sense than hating the Tooth Fairy.
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#95153 - 06/06/05 04:34 PM
Re: Again, dunno... bla
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InSearch
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Didn't I say that in my post already? Yes, I did.
And I really don't need YOU out of all people to comment in threads like these I have.. so please stop.
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#95154 - 06/06/05 04:45 PM
Re: Again, dunno... bla
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Steve_A
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> Didn't I say that in my post already? Yes, I did.
So are you saying you agree with me (again!)?
And didn't you tell someone last week that they can't tell you where you can and can't post?
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Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. -- MLK
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#95155 - 06/06/05 04:58 PM
Re: Again, dunno... bla
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InSearch
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I'm saying your repeating what I already said.
Yes I did say that... but I'm asking you nicely not to post here. Can you survive that or do you have to post in every thread?
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#95156 - 06/06/05 09:20 PM
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#95157 - 06/06/05 09:33 PM
Re: Again, dunno... bla
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Ineligible
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InSearch has asked me to write a few words in explanation.
He used to believe in God, and pray for help, but he felt no help. And then when he was about 11, his best friend - his only close friend - was killed by a car in front of him. He still has nightmares reliving what happened nearly every night. He feels guilty that he didn't save his friend, and that he lived, to live a life of pain, and his friend died.
So he hates with a fury what God has done to him.
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#95158 - 06/07/05 12:21 AM
Re: Again, dunno... bla
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Steve_A
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He hates God and he doesn't believe in God, at the same time; or did God go out of existence? You seem to be implying that he deems God dead because he's angry at God.
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Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. -- MLK
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#95159 - 06/07/05 12:24 AM
Re: Again, dunno... bla
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Steve_A
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InSearch: Do you think I reapeated what you said because I'm a retard, or because the poster I was answering (which wasn't you) may have missed the point?
No1: Welcome back.
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Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. -- MLK
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#95160 - 06/07/05 12:28 AM
Re: Again, dunno... bla
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InSearch
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Why don't you just shut up about stuff you understand? You know nothing about depression, or about my current situation so stop trying to butt into every topic.
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#95161 - 06/07/05 12:53 AM
Re: Again, dunno... bla
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Steve_A
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I don't know what the deal is with your situation, which seems to be one of the big unspoken topics of this message board, but I do know something about depression. Why do you think you'd know that?
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Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. -- MLK
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#95162 - 06/07/05 01:15 AM
Re: Again, dunno... bla
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InSearch
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Maybe it's an unspoken topic because I don't like to talk about it?
"Why do you think you'd know that?"
What?
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#95163 - 06/07/05 04:10 PM
Re: Again, dunno... bla
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Steve_A
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But a lot of time is spent talking around it. People can't figure out why you act the way you do, and you get a lot of lattitude (freedom from normal restraints); most other people would be hammered if they posted a message that said something like "Fuck you all, I hope you all die."
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Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. -- MLK
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#95164 - 06/07/05 06:41 PM
Re: Again, dunno... bla
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CR125
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In reply to:
He hates God and he doesn't believe in God, at the same time; or did God go out of existence? You seem to be implying that he deems God dead because he's angry at God.
i don't know wut insearch thinks but... (yes i'm puttinng my 2 cents in).. God does existence and at times i hate him. and i wonder sometime y do i even bother hatting him wut if there isn't one. how do i know. i don;t. all i know is wut i been exposed too. now maybe i shouldn;t have said anything (and i'm not saying it's wut he thinks. it's wut i do think..and alot.) but i get wut insearch is meaning.
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#95165 - 06/07/05 08:02 PM
Re: Again, dunno... bla
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Ineligible
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SteveA, I understand the frustration at not knowing the background. In fact there are several people here who have some important, painful issue in the background that isn't discussed on the board out of respect for their privacy. It's unsatisfactory for those not in the know (which is most of us), I agree - but it would be worse to insist that everyone here had to make everything a matter of public record. All we can do is cut everyone a lot of slack. Someone with an unattractive personality may well be hiding something horrific in the background that he/she has not been able to tell anyone about.
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#95166 - 06/07/05 08:54 PM
Re: Again, dunno... bla
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InSearch
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I agree with CR here ...
I've always told myself that I don't believe in God and that God doesn't exist ... but then I ask myself "how come i hate something so much taht I know is not there?" ... I've just come to the conclusion that there may be a God and that I just hate that God so much ...
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#95167 - 06/07/05 08:55 PM
Re: Again, dunno... bla
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InSearch
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I know it hurts you that you don't get to know everything on ever matter ... so it's obvious why you are frustrated that you can't know everything about me ... deal with it.
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#95168 - 06/07/05 10:29 PM
Re: Again, dunno... bla
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StephieJ
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I'm gonna put in my two cents here too.. When i was younger i didn't believe in god.. how could i believe in something i couldnt see or touch? I guess it's in my blood.. I love god! My grandmother was a born again christian and she had all sorts of weird things happen to her.. she's so lucky to be alive.. but god was always there to help her. My dad tells me things about my grandma that i find amazing.. There are too many things.. but they are extraordinary! If you really need to know you can PM me or what not..
But Insearch please be strong.. things will get better ... i promise you
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#95169 - 06/08/05 01:07 AM
Re: Again, dunno... bla
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InSearch
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Well that's great that God chooses certain people to help and just leave some other people to suffer and die slowly.
Real great, taht makes me stronger.
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#95170 - 06/08/05 06:18 PM
Re: Again, dunno... bla
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Steve_A
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Pinkranger4: Your belief in God is not the subject here.
InSearch: It sounds like there are a lot of things screwed up in your life, a lot of which are secret, and what they are is way low on the list of things I care about. But you post a lot of stuff in open forums, you start thread about youself and how you feel, etc., and without context, you have to understand how you come across, especially when you say crap like you wish everyone (except two people) would drop dead.
If I remember correctly, you fired your therapist, who you hated. It's great that you've gotten help here (one-on-one, I presume; certainly not on the open forum). I don't see how you're going to become a functioning adult with the level of help you can get over the Internet. I strongly, strongly suggest you get some real life, in person counseling. If your parents can't see this, then they must be living on another planet.
If you are still having flashbacks about a traumatic incident that happened when you were 11 (post-traunatic stress syndrome?), then you need help. It's just not right to still be having flashbacks about it (it's something that often happens when people bottle up thoughts about traumatic events, rather than discuss them).
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Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. -- MLK
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#95171 - 06/08/05 07:11 PM
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#95172 - 06/08/05 07:16 PM
Re: Again, dunno... bla
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StephieJ
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definetly wasnt
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#95173 - 06/08/05 07:35 PM
Re: Again, dunno... bla
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InSearch
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I didn't fire my therapist. I stopped seing him.
You're right, I won't become a functioning adult, I already know that.
"then they must be living on another planet"
How long did it take you to figure that out after everything I've said about them ? Well, better late than never.
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#95174 - 06/08/05 07:36 PM
Re: Again, dunno... bla
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Steve_A
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Then I must have imagined the paragraph that was about your belief in God.
And I don't think things will just get better, without some proactive effort.
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Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. -- MLK
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#95175 - 06/08/05 07:38 PM
Re: Again, dunno... bla
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InSearch
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She wasn't trying to make her belief an issue, you're the only one who thinks that.
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#95176 - 06/08/05 07:40 PM
Re: Again, dunno... bla
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Steve_A
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I'm glad you think so; you must have been busy polling everyone.
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#95177 - 06/08/05 07:40 PM
Re: Again, dunno... bla
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InSearch
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You obviously take everything word for word ... not good
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